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Thread: AB! School Adaption

  1. #1
    ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ不朽的神皇春卷 ClericLordLeo's Avatar
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    Default AB! School Adaption

    Last edited by ClericLordLeo; 11th December 2012 at 04:24 AM.

  2. #2
    Green Bean rasudoken's Avatar
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    To be honest the whole thing was just terrible (your mileage may very). But I liked it and it gave me a good laugh.

    -Plagiarism (who cares)
    -Inconsistencies in the story (For example, there were seven who entered guild, only three made it, but only three died in the description, Haiyang's name changing to Hayang, and Tianishi changing to Tianshi, etc)
    -I'm not sure if Tianshi/Tianishi is a legitimate Chinese name, but if not, you could have at least came up with something that did not sound so obviously similar to Tenshi?
    -Grammar (who cares)
    -It was rushed (just like the show lol)
    -Some of the parts would probably be a mind screw for someone who didn't watch Angel Beats (who cares)


    Were you caught plagiarizing on the assignment though?
    by Cryopon

  3. #3
    ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ不朽的神皇春卷 ClericLordLeo's Avatar
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    nah, got a 500/500 and was then put away in a corner never to be heard from again.

    sheer lazyness, but I bet I could have thought of something better. I could have made it more accurate, but I didn't want to go the extra mile so I threw some numbers around

  4. #4
    Green Bean rasudoken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ClericLordLeo View Post
    nah, got a 500/500 and was then put away in a corner never to be heard from again.
    :<
    Quote Originally Posted by ClericLordLeo View Post
    I didn't want to go the extra mile so I threw some numbers around
    Okay not going the extra mile is fine and all, but you must have been really lazy then. It's not that hard to read back a couple sentences, see how many people you established dead and alive, and kill them off.
    by Cryopon

  5. #5
    ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ不朽的神皇春卷 ClericLordLeo's Avatar
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    all of them?

  6. #6
    Green Bean rasudoken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ClericLordLeo View Post
    all of them?
    The ones that you've established to kill off (So not Hayang/Haiyang, Yonngan, Chenmo)
    by Cryopon

  7. #7
    Daeari Dae314's Avatar
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    Icon11

    How on earth did u get full points for that??? To quote from somewhere I don't remember "you can't just tell the reader you have to show them".

    It looked like I was in the courtyard of a giant university type area
    She looked like someone from a movie about spies and secret agents
    realistic looking sniper rifle
    horrible... I stopped there.

    What on earth is a courtyard of a giant university type area? How does that look? Are the buildings white washed? Do the buildings have windows on them that he can see or does he only see the backs of the buildings? What kind of courtyard? One themed for Halloween? One with a pile of rotting corpses in the middle? The part about spies/secret agents would've been OK if you had provided more information about the girl first. Establish the fact that she looks like someone out of the matrix THEN say it (plus yurippe didn't dress in black ever ._.). Realistic looking sniper rifle... really? What's a real sniper rifle even look like? What design was it close to? You need more detail or you'll never be able to show your reader what you're talking about.


  8. #8
    We're in a heap o'trouble Tesiqurasa's Avatar
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    I was more confused with the tense variations.


    ANGEL BEETS!


    Spoiler!



  9. #9
    ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ不朽的神皇春卷 ClericLordLeo's Avatar
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    Yeah, I agree I personally really don't like this piece very much either. The "exercise" was simply to use the literary devices and not focused on anything else. I had to bend the story to fit school as well. It would be kind of weird if I wrote about school girls. Due to restrains, I had to make it as short as possible

    But I told Rasu that I would be basing a story off of it and here it is in all its glory.
    Last edited by ClericLordLeo; 2nd February 2011 at 12:16 PM.

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