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Thread: Girl Issues

  1. #1
    IA is mai waifu blankaex's Avatar
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    Default Girl Issues

    I'm a guy.

    Despite probably being the last person you'd expect this from, for multiple, extremely non-egotistical reasons, Blank has made a thread about his own love life. I'm trying my best to not use the word "relationship", mostly because everyone uses it as if it only means boyxgirl stuff. Probably due to Facebook. Which I don't really like.

    Anyways, first off I'll give a quick-ish outline of the events thus far over the past couple months.
    Spoiler!


    Now that I've shared my story with Hidden-Street, there are a few things I'd like to ask.

    #1. The most important, I think. How should I act, when I see her again when school starts? Should I greet her? Ignore her? Try to be friendly? What should I say to her? Ask her why she's been off Skype?

    #2. Her birthday is on August 17. School starts on August 23. I was thinking of getting her a present - would that be a good idea?
    #2.5. If I do get her a present, what should I get? People say to get accessories - earrings, bracelets, hairpins - but that's what everyone is going for. I want something special, something that shows I'm thinking about her, and not just picking the "last resort" gifts right off the bat.

    #3. Overall, what should I do about my love life? Should I try to win her back? Wait for some other girl to catch my attention? Become a wizard?

    Leaving it up to you, HS. Give me some ideas!



  2. #2
    Always the Bridesmaid... bulmabriefs144's Avatar
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    Lessons from my years of relationship failures:

    Rule #1 of relationships is be friendly but nonchalant. Make it clear you want to be a friend, and more than a friend. "Just" friends doesn't get you any future, nothing but gf/bf means nothing later as foundation for long-term. "Friends with benefits." You want to be receptive, not aggressive. Listen to her concerns, and try to be accomodating.

    Rule #2 don't get presents. Not until you have an official relationship. Otherwise, you come across as being someone with a crush. Give and take is key. If something goes wrong, an apology is better than a gift. A gift is for preventative measures and to celebrate time together.

    Rule #3 Always stay faithful until she gives you a clear indication that it's over. If it's over, try one more time, and if that seems to end with her making excuses, leaving, or telling you to go, forget it as she's not interested and you should probably look for someone else. But don't get rebound addiction. Also, you should definitely become a wizard. Wizards are sexy.

    I'm just going on what I know from past failed loves, I haven't read spoiler yet, so I'll comment again later mebbe if I have more to add.

    -----

    Okay, holdon. Lemme tell you a little something. First thing you need to know about Asian cultures is that contrary to what you see on anime, the Japanese and Chinese are generally much more standoffish. It's a longer period before they consider stuff like kissing, and it's almost a weird-out for a weird foreigner to do sudden things like asking them on a date. There are otaku girls, but otaku types tend to freak out Japanese girls with stalkerish behavior, and foreigners come across as creepy. You don't wanna be a foreign otaku. Mkay, she's not that into you, or rather lemme put this better. BACK OFF, and take things slow. Look, observe, does she tend to change back to interested when you realize you're too pushy? So don't be too pushy, if you want this to survive what you've already done.

    I was gonna tell you about my experiences in China, but it got eaten by lag, so I'll just sum up.


    1. Don't be too forward, the whole shyness thing is weirding out, and there's a different pace than what tends to be the norm in US. Case in point, Desperate Housewives flopped in China. Most Chinese with their overly busy jobs (I've seen them, even the children end school at 9pm) and weekend marriages have little in common with supposedly "desperate" skanks that try to play the scene after marriage. Verbatim, what the English newspapers said about the series.
    2. There are different norms in foreign countries. I recall this one teacher's (I kinda liked her) words "I'm five years older than you." It might have been saving face, but that's another major difference, whatever the truth, my duty was to help her uphold this version of the truth to help her save face.
    3. Chinese cops have the snazziest outfits, but they're the scariest cops. I gave her the keys to my place to give back to the people letting me work (since I thought it was the last day before my tour with my dad), but instead my plane was late, so when I said I gave it to her, they gave her the Spanish Inquisition. Poor girl.
    4. I realized after meeting this girl that the type I like for Asians and generally is sorta tomboyish, and casual, much like she was. Kinda like Yoon Eun-Hye's persona from Coffee Prince or kag, cause yea Eun-Hye is kinda sexy.
    Last edited by bulmabriefs144; 7th August 2012 at 11:24 AM.

  3. #3
    You're in a pickle now. rasudoken's Avatar
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    Disclaimer: I've never been in a relationship and quite possibly never had a romantic interest in any girls I know (except Helen, but I was in third grade). No romantic relationship experience.

    Quote Originally Posted by blankaex View Post
    #1. The most important, I think. How should I act, when I see her again when school starts? Should I greet her? Ignore her? Try to be friendly? What should I say to her? Ask her why she's been off Skype?
    Well, do you still want her? From your descriptions, she doesn't sound like a girl who is capable of maintaining a committed romantic relationship (she didn't sound like she was trying in your on/off relationship).

    If you still like her and want her or still want to be friends, then greet her casually and carry on(asking about the skype thing does sound clingy, don't do it).

    If you don't really care about her anymore, then ignore is fine unless she greets you first.

    Quote Originally Posted by blankaex View Post
    #2. Her birthday is on August 17. School starts on August 23. I was thinking of getting her a present - would that be a good idea?
    Pretty sure girls all around the world love presents. Sure why not? The gift you choose might reflect what you expect out of your relationship in the future, so if you like her, get something romantic-ish? If friendly, get something not romantic-ish?


    Quote Originally Posted by blankaex View Post
    #2.5. If I do get her a present, what should I get? People say to get accessories - earrings, bracelets, hairpins - but that's what everyone is going for. I want something special, something that shows I'm thinking about her, and not just picking the "last resort" gifts right off the bat.
    Get something that she's interested in? Something not anime though (in my opinion; these four words are meaningless).

    We could brainstorm some ideas if you post what you think she likes or has an interest in.

    Quote Originally Posted by blankaex View Post
    #3. Overall, what should I do about my love life? Should I try to win her back? Wait for some other girl to catch my attention? Become a wizard?
    Depends on what you want to focus on now. If you really still like her and want her, then try to win her back. If not, then carry on what you usually do in life until someone catches your eye or you're the catch in someone else's eyes.


    - - - - -
    Please reread my disclaimer.
    Signature Pending

  4. #4
    We're in a heap o'trouble Tesiqurasa's Avatar
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    She doesn't like you as anything more than a casual friend. Sucks, but it's true.

    1. Be civil, be polite, give a compliment here and there, but nothing more. Don't pour out feelings, don't ask her to hang out one-on-one, don't apologize for anything. Just be civil.

    2. Don't buy her a present unless you're getting a present for everyone in the group. Don't make her feel special, because she's made no attempt to make you feel special. If you get presents for the group for holidays or whatever, then giving her a small trinket or whatnot is okay. Otherwise, don't get her anything. Think of it this way: if she was male or completely unattractive to you, would you get her a present even though she's only a very casual acquaintance at this point? Nope. Wish her a happy birthday if you see her, but otherwise, nope.

    3. Give up on her. She has repeatedly shown no romantic interest in you and has proven to be a miserable companion. Just go about your daily life and be open to new opportunities.


    If I was giving advice for the first or even second "issue" you listed, my answers would be drastically different. However, after at least three indications of "I don't really like you", it's time to let things go.

    Spoiler!



  5. #5

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    My rule of thumb is: if you can't muster the courage to ask her out, then you don't like her enough to ask her out.

    Of course, I'm an extremely introverted person who dislikes even looking at people when I talk to them, so it may be different for others.

    bolt202/veil201/feint200

  6. #6
    IA is mai waifu blankaex's Avatar
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    @bulma
    Sorry, you're not really helping much. Did you even read the thread? Half of your reply sounds like you didn't read half of the original post.

    @Peter
    No, I don't really "want" her any more, I think. Right now I think I'd be fine as casual-ish friends, I don't exactly hate her or anything. I'm not sure what I should do if she asks me out again, though.

    Disclaimer noted.

    @Mike
    Sorry Bulma/Rasu, but I'm really digging Tesi's suggestions. I think you're right about what I should do on all three points.

    @all

    About the present thing, it IS her birthday, after all. I've only bought a birthday present for someone once before (in Japan) because they invited me and a few others to hang out on their birthday to celebrate. They were pretty much expecting gifts. However, I do think I should get her something small, maybe, just because I've given someone else a birthday present before. It would seem like I consider her less than the person I gave the gift to before. Maybe a card or something?

    Thanks for all your quick replies, guys. Really helpful, once again, thanks a bunch. Love nearly on Hidden-Street!

    I just thought of something, though. I'm not exactly trying to win her back, but if she does ask me out again, I'm not exactly sure what to do. I wouldn't mind her partnership too much, and we might get to like each other, but then again it would probably result in another one of this ^ crap happening.

    @sam
    You replied while I was typing my reply.

    I don't really get what you're saying. I liked her enough to ask her out, and you're introverted?
    Last edited by blankaex; 7th August 2012 at 10:47 AM.



  7. #7
    Drake
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    i spent over 5 years obsessing over a single girl in my life, after being repeatedly rejected/ignored. during those years i became extremely depressed. i got over it by accepting it how it was: she would be a friend, but not a friend that would probably want to hang out with me, kind of like a peer.

    to answer your questions, you should greet her when you do see her, but just as a polite form of salutations. if i were in your situation, i would leave it at that, unless she makes the first move.

    my rule of thumb for birthday presents is if there is no party, there is no present. especially if you're just friends.

    even if you truly like her but she doesn't like you, there is no reason to continue following her around. it'll take a long time (trust me i know) but getting over with it will make your life so much better. if you spend time trying to win her back and she doesn't respond, thats even more reason to get over her.

    just as a general tip though, i think you're facing a problem of becoming the awkward man when you get in a relationship. just because you're going out with someone doesn't mean there are new formalities. just have fun, because thats what it means to be in a relationship. having more fun.
    Spoiler!

  8. #8

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    This sounds terribly one-sided...

    1. Unless she's really offended you in some way, there's nothing wrong with just being a nice guy again. If it's just small disputes, don't try to hold a grudge if you can. Start with a "clean slate" or so they say. A platonic relationship could be enjoyable for you both for all you know.

    2. If you are seriously still interested in this girl (who from this information clearly doesn't deserve you) then you can just get something small. I would advise against it though, since she probably wouldn't pay any attention or regard to anything you give her based on the general opinion she has of you. Giving a soft toy or accessories is the generic safe option, but if she isn't interested in you then 99.99% chance says she'll never wear it, use it, and will just chuck it away somewhere. There's no need to buy her a present unless she's holding a party and everyone's getting one and you attend, then you can share the expenses with a couple of friends as a group gift instead. Even then it's to not be rude rather than having any deeper feelings.

    TL;DR

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeGuy View Post
    my rule of thumb for birthday presents is if there is no party, there is no present. especially if you're just friends.
    3. From the context, pursuing this relationship doesn't really seem like it will result in a happy ending. Just be a good friend if you really want to maintain a close friendship. Any relationship should be two ways, you can't hold it up alone. You've pretty much proven to yourself that being the giver in this situation doesn't yield any positive results. Maybe one day she'll be interested in you when you're not. When the girl shows little interest even after spending that much time together it's unlikely it will be sustainable. It hurts but it's better to just move on. Love is about time and luck, it's not like a math problem that you can just work at all day and eventually solve. Both parties need to show commitment and effort. Sometimes it's just not meant to be, and it's better to just let go. As cliche as it sounds, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

  9. #9
    Always the Bridesmaid... bulmabriefs144's Avatar
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    Read my re-post. I gave a stock advice to general relationships, which you should take for a stock relationship, then specific advice for a specific relationship (the more important parts got eaten due to post timeout).

    The basic gist of the advice is this. You're being too ****ing pushy. Even a relationship long ago that I was being almost stalkerish, I wouldn't have gotten a gift for a girl if she herself didn't declare us bf/gf. Back off, let her decide if she likes you and if you don't get an answer by about time to head out, or a couple of weeks, just let her go wherever. She's NOT "mean" because she didn't like you, you're stumbling into a foreign country as a gaijin. And worse, an aggressive creepy gaijin that she can't trust to go at her pace.
    Last edited by bulmabriefs144; 7th August 2012 at 11:42 AM.

  10. #10
    IA is mai waifu blankaex's Avatar
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    @OrangeGuy & MintPanda
    Thanks for the advice. Like everyone else, a slightly different and slightly similar perspective, good to think about. Much appreciated.

    @Bulma
    I read the post again, and you're still not helping. I'm not asking for social standards in Japan/Asia, since, you know, I'm Asian, I've lived in different parts of Asia for almost 3 years now, and I've been living in Japan for almost a year? I'm pretty sure I have that all under my belt. That's not what I wanted, I just asked for what people think is a good way to behave in my current situation. I didn't ask about Chinese cops or Spanish Inquisition or whatever other irrelevant stuff your post is filled of.



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