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Thread: Another Hunter's Story

  1. #11
    Mushmom XxKiraYamatoxX's Avatar
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    Bump. Chapter 1 done. I'll only post the parts where they actually go into the game when I finish the prequel.

    Registration is still closed temporarily.

    Edit: Tell me if you notice I forgot someone or something. I'll try my best to remember.
    Monster Hunter Tri Status:
    - Hunter Rank: HR1 (Yay, me noob)
    - Favourite Weapon: Switch Axe
    - Current Most Proficient Weapons: Switch Axe, Hammer
    - Current Armour: Barroth Set + Lagiacrus Set
    - Current Most Hated Monster: Rathalos
    (Stop flying, wings fer' brains!)

  2. #12
    Jr. Necki ThyGamePlaya's Avatar
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    Cool prologue, ch 1 brought interest to me.

    PS: Registration was open?

    Click to enter my YouTube Channel

  3. #13
    Jr. Necki Tangknight96's Avatar
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    It was a few months ago....I think the dark ten still has a few spots open.
    Perfect world international open beta has started!!! Too bad they PWIPED our closed beta characters =[. Gotta start grinding again.

    ___
    Dream MS(private server) char: lvl198 Shadower

  4. #14
    Mushmom XxKiraYamatoxX's Avatar
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    Chapter 2: Dawn

    The first few rays of sunlight poked through the clouds in the sky and penetrated into my room as I got up, gently rubbing my eyes. A quick glance at my table clock told me that it was 15 minutes to 7 in the morning. I don't usually wake up this early...... I got out of bed and flung open the curtains. A new day awaits! I opened the bathroom door and walked in to brush my teeth and grabbed my tracksuit from my closet.

    I stopped by at the girl's dormitories to pick up Alexis. She normally wakes up at about 7, then comes out for a little jog. There were already a few people up, and I could see a lamp shining through a window on the 3rd floor. Speaking of floors, Alexis's room was on the 1st floor, so she was quick to come out. Which she did just as I reached the dorms. She was quite surprised to see me up this early.

    "You're early today." Alexis looked over me. "And you're wearing a tracksuit."
    "Yep. Thought I'd go for a bit of exercise."
    "Lacus told me she wakes up early every day and takes a jog too."
    "Oh...... Wanna wait for her?" I beamed.
    "Seems like you're getting a bit attached to her..." Alexis eyed me suspiciously.
    "No, no..." I groaned.

    Lacus chose that precise moment to appear, wearing a pink tracksuit. Her long pink hair was tied up in a ponytail. "Good morning, Alexis-san, Ivan-kun." she greeted us. Somehow the way she spoke soothed me. "Morning." said Alexis and me simultaneously. The three of us jogged to the nearby park and jogged about 5 rounds. I was already panting by the 2nd round. Sweat ran down my face. I sat down on a bench to regain my breath. "You need to work on your stamina." Alexis bent down to my eye-level.

    I was breathing very heavily by the 5th round and I collapsed onto a bench. Exercise is good for the body...... I fainted after that thought.

    ......

    "Ivan, arise." a strange voice said. I opened my eyes and sat up. I was standing on nothing, and the world around me was a kaleidoscope of swirling colours. A woman holding a golden bow was standing in front of me. Hold it...... This wasn't just any woman...... It was Athena Pierce from Maple! "Hey wait, how do you know my name!?" I gasped. "The world needs your help again. Saevio is back." she said. For some odd reason, the name "Saevio" sent chills down my spine. Athena's image suddenly began to move further and further away from me. I chased after her. "Wait! Who's Saevio!?" I yelled.

    I sat up, panting slightly. "Oh, so the weakling is awake." Alexis mocked. "Yeah yeah, I'm weak. So what?" I snapped at her. It took me a while to realize I was in my own room. Lacus was sitting on my computer chair. "I had to carry you back here. You're lucky no one saw us, or it'd be real embarrassing." Alexis rested her hands on her hips. "You're heavy, you know that?" she groaned.

    A bell dinged. I ran to the door and opened it, but no one was there! Instead, there was a small box wrapped in brown paper at the door. There was no note on it. I brought it inside my room and placed it on my table. Alexis and Lacus gazed at it for a brief second. "Package for you?" Lacus asked. "Not sure, there was no note." I replied. "Maybe we could open it and see whats inside." Alexis suggested. "Wouldn't that be kinda rude? Maybe it was delivered to the wrong guy." I looked at it. "Might as well just open it. I'm curious."

    Alexis reached for the package and ripped the brown paper off to reveal...... "A perspex box?" I looked at the tiny box, surprised. There was no visible way to open it. Close inspection revealed an image of a maple leaf on it. "That's weird." I placed my index finger on the image. The moment I touched it, the box started to emit a faint glow and it burst open. "Wow!" I pulled back my hand.

    "What's this?" Alexis picked up a necklace. A steel maple leaf hung on it. The edges were smooth and lined with gold while the middle part of the leaf was red coloured. "This is nice......" Lacus turned it over. There was writing on it, but it was barely visible.

    The only person who can open the box is Ivan. The fact that you can open it proves that you are it's rightful owner.

    "This belongs to Ivan?" the two girls turned to stare at me. "I didn't order this!" I insisted, but Lacus crammed it down over my head anyway. The string became shorter as it came to rest around my neck. I fingered it gently and suddenly felt an urge to play Maple.

    I suddenly felt like I wasn't in control of my body anymore. I walked over to my laptop and flipped it open. "Ivan?" Alexis stared at me. I couldn't reply. My hands flicked the power switch and my laptop booted up. Trance-like, my finger pressed against the "MapleStory" icon on my desktop. However, it didn't enter the program. A small indent appeared in my computer screen and my necklace's string grew longer. It seemed to come alive as the string thrust itself around Alexis's and Lacus's necks, pulling them close to me. "What in the world......" Alexis didn't have enough time to finish the sentence as the steel maple leaf flew into the indent on the screen. A perfect fit. We blacked out.

    To be continued......
    Monster Hunter Tri Status:
    - Hunter Rank: HR1 (Yay, me noob)
    - Favourite Weapon: Switch Axe
    - Current Most Proficient Weapons: Switch Axe, Hammer
    - Current Armour: Barroth Set + Lagiacrus Set
    - Current Most Hated Monster: Rathalos
    (Stop flying, wings fer' brains!)

  5. #15
    Mushmom XxKiraYamatoxX's Avatar
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    Chapter finished. Enjoy! Remember to leave ratings and comments! :D
    Monster Hunter Tri Status:
    - Hunter Rank: HR1 (Yay, me noob)
    - Favourite Weapon: Switch Axe
    - Current Most Proficient Weapons: Switch Axe, Hammer
    - Current Armour: Barroth Set + Lagiacrus Set
    - Current Most Hated Monster: Rathalos
    (Stop flying, wings fer' brains!)

  6. #16
    Jr. Necki Tangknight96's Avatar
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    I rate excellent, and great story too. Your words made the story come to life(sort of).
    Perfect world international open beta has started!!! Too bad they PWIPED our closed beta characters =[. Gotta start grinding again.

    ___
    Dream MS(private server) char: lvl198 Shadower

  7. #17

    Default

    Best story EVER!

  8. #18
    Jr. Necki
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    Yay sequel! It's pretty good. I think the beginning is better than the beginning of your other fanfic.

  9. #19
    Slime
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    Well, your writing has certainly improved since the first story. You seem far more proficient at first person writing, so it's smart that you kept most of the story that way. It may get in the way though since you also want to tell things from a third person. (i.e. end of chapter one: "Master I have found Alexis and Ivan"- the switch from first to third was kind of abrupt without even the "***" stars to tell the reader you're changing scenes). The transitions may still need more description. However, description overall has improved a lot. You've given things like the swimming pool a very nice descriptive environment. Dialogue was done well. A vast improvement over the beginnings of the first story. (Then again, the later chapters of the first story were also superior to the first chapters too.)
    Length is pretty much perfect for a Fanfic. We have to keep in mind that if this story was translated in proper manuscript format, each chapter would only be 2-4 pages long in a paperback book (way too short for a publisher to consider-around 350 words per page in a paperback is typical btw); but for fanfic, short chapters are more the norm. (Something I had problems with)

    Keep at what you're doing. The only way to get good at something is to practice and anyone who's read your fanfics can tell you're getting better with each chapter.
    I don't want to be a god. I just want to bring fire to the people.
    And I want my cut.

  10. #20
    Slime
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    omg this sequel is even more awesome than ur prequel! You're getting better- keep writing or I'll waste away o_O
    <Insert an interesting figment of your imagination here>

    click here if you're bored =)

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