my new story

[coolcoolfish]

well i got back from camping today and on the 3 hour ride home i got an idea for a new story
i'll write what i thought of and if you guys like it reply and tell me what you thought and i'll write more if you want ok here is goes...

CRASH! the door sounded as Ryan kicked it's rusted handles off, not caring about the splinters that pushed deep into his arms.

He slowly and calmly stepped over the doors into the old abandonded mansion he didnt care what happened from here on for he had only one thing on his mind...Revenge...

He checked the straps around his chest and his waist...they were secure..

He'd always taken good care of all of his weapons mainly his two katana's he kept on his back and on his waist.

He was a tall man and fairly slim, he had dark, deepset eyes and a loosely combed dark brown almost black head of hair.

Ryan stepped out into the center of the old, termite infested house. A large hole in the roof dimly illuminated the building.

In front of him were a set of stairs and a balcony not much higher than the top of the stairs. Standing on the railing of the balcony was the one they simply called nightmare...

he wore a belt of ammunition around his shoulder and down his chest barley visible under his loose cloak. Ryan also noticed the famed dual revolvers so many had fallen to...

His humanity seemed almost completely consumed by darkness...Ryan knew his mind and soul were...everyone knew that...

"Nightmare...iv'e come to avenge my loved ones...and my village..." said Ryan calmly and smoothly.

"Heh... don't you think i know that? Please son i don't have time for this." replied Nightmare pulling out one revolver and shooting a single bullet straight for Ryan's head just to be easily dodged.

"I'm not leaving here until your dead you fiend!!" yelled Ryan unsheathing the katana on his back and rushing up the stairs.

"Foolish boy..." commented Nightmare simply "You think you can defeat me?Then by all means!TRY IT!!" yelled nightmare whipping out his other revolver and blasting wildly down the stairs at Ryan.

Ryan was surprised at the incredible rate of fire unsheathing his other sword dashing up the stairs into the coming volley....

Demo chapter end

so i'll write more if you want just comment on this little demo here and if you guys want me to ill write more...

[Tangknight96]

well i got back from camping today and on the 3 hour ride home i got an idea for a new story
i'll write what i thought of and if you guys like it reply and tell me what you thought and i'll write more if you want ok here is goes...

CRASH! the door sounded as Ryan kicked it's rusted handles off, not caring about the splinters that pushed deep into his arms.

He slowly and calmly stepped over the doors into the old abandonded mansion he didnt care what happened from here on for he had only one thing on his mind...Revenge...

He checked the straps around his chest and his waist...they were secure..

He'd always taken good care of all of his weapons mainly his two katana's he kept on his back and on his waist.

He was a tall man and fairly slim, he had dark, deepset eyes and a loosely combed dark brown almost black head of hair.

Ryan stepped out into the center of the old, termite infested house. A large hole in the roof dimly illuminated the building.

In front of him were a set of stairs and a balcony not much higher than the top of the stairs. Standing on the railing of the balcony was the one they simply called nightmare...

he wore a belt of ammunition around his shoulder and down his chest barley visible under his loose cloak. Ryan also noticed the famed dual revolvers so many had fallen to...

His humanity seemed almost completely consumed by darkness...Ryan knew his mind and soul were...everyone knew that...

"Nightmare...iv'e come to avenge my loved ones...and my village..." said Ryan calmly and smoothly.

"Heh... don't you think i know that? Please son i don't have time for this." replied Nightmare pulling out one revolver and shooting a single bullet straight for Ryan's head just to be easily dodged.

"I'm not leaving here until your dead you fiend!!" yelled Ryan unsheathing the katana on his back and rushing up the stairs.

"Foolish boy..." commented Nightmare simply "You think you can defeat me?Then by all means!TRY IT!!" yelled nightmare whipping out his other revolver and blasting wildly down the stairs at Ryan.

Ryan was surprised at the incredible rate of fire unsheathing his other sword dashing up the stairs into the coming volley....

Demo chapter end

so i'll write more if you want just comment on this little demo here and if you guys want me to ill write more...

what does that story have to do with maple?

[coolcoolfish]

it's not maple related

[Tangknight96]

then it's not a FanFic, therefore wrong section

[coolcoolfish]

-.- fine im sure someone will move it eventually jsut tell me if you want me to write more or not

*damn everyone's a critic*

[Slerotin]

Well being also guilty of posting original fiction, I have no problem of having original fiction posted here. It probably should be labeled as original fiction though.

He was a tall man and fairly slim, he had dark, deepset eyes and a loosely combed dark brown almost black head of hair.

His description and intro seemed a bit awkward and rushed. Then you go onto the next scene without expanding on him. You did a better job introducing your next character though:

In front of him were a set of stairs and a balcony not much higher than the top of the stairs. Standing on the railing of the balcony was the one they simply called nightmare...

he wore a belt of ammunition around his shoulder and down his chest barley visible under his loose cloak. Ryan also noticed the famed dual revolvers so many had fallen to...

His humanity seemed almost completely consumed by darkness...Ryan knew his mind and soul were...everyone knew that...

Couple of nit-picky issues like spelling ("abandoned" instead of "abandonded", "barely" instead of "barley", contractions like "you're" instead of "your", and capitalizing the beginning of your sentences and character's proper names-but that doesn't really mean much; one critique on my story was spelling and it had been through a spell-checker ;) ). Grammar (my own weakest point) needs a bit of work especially in your dialogue.

"Nightmare...iv'e come to avenge my loved ones...and my village..." said Ryan calmly and smoothly.

"Heh... don't you think i know that? Please son i don't have time for this." replied Nightmare pulling out one revolver and shooting a single bullet straight for Ryan's head just to be easily dodged.

You were writing in past tense and then switched to present tense. The last sentence is bordering on being a bit of a run-on sentence.

"Nightmare...Iv'e come to avenge my loved ones...and my village...," said Ryan calmly and smoothly.

"Heh... don't you think I know that? Please son, I don't have time for this." replied Nightmare as he pulled out one revolver and shot a single bullet straight for Ryan's head which he easily dodged.


All in all, you did give it a bit of a Western flavor that has potential, but needs a bit more polish and description. You got the length just about right for "fanfic" length (even if it isn't fanfic). If you have the drive and the desire, keep at it. Original fic admittedly is a bit limited here since this is a Maple Story board, but you're certainly welcome to try and improve your skills here through practice. Writing is writing after all.

[coolcoolfish]

i know grammar has never been my strong point thanks for the comment ill continue and see if i can improve this

soo here it goes...

resuming...

Ryan was surprised at the incredible rate of fire, unsheathing his second sword and dashing up the stairs at the incoming volley.

Nightmare stopped shooting to reload slowly, almost mockingly.

Ryan met the volley and started blocking and slashing, never losing speed never being hit. As he met the top of the stairs Nightmare had reloaded completely and was waiting for the next attack.

Ryan stopped for only a plit seccond to get a secure footing then lept with incredible strangth and speed to the balcony, pulling his katana's up across his chest in the shape of an X.

He slashed with all of his force destroying the balcony almost completely sending it crashing to the ground.

Nightmare had slid down and was on the top of the stairs, snickering menecingly...

Ryan left his swords in the wall pushing off of them preforming a backflip in the air. Reaching into his coat she grasped six razor sharp throwing knives and threw them at Nightmare below.

Nightmare jumped backwards, raising his arm and taking aim with the revolver.

Ryan saw this in time, He reached to the back of his belt and grabbed a small pole just longer than his fist. he whipped it downward and extened the iron pole.

He landed easily on his feet, deflecting a bullet aimed at his heart. He ran towards Nightmare with all of his might.

Nightmare laughed under his breath then snapped his rovelvers down towards the ground, revealing knives under the barrles of each gun, each knife about a foot long each one glimmered in the dim light.

Ryan set his footing and swung hard aiming for Nightmare's ribs, just to be blocked by the hidden knife.

Ryan reached inside his coat with his free hand and whipped three throwing knives up at Nightmare.

Caught off-guard by this he managed to deflect only two of them. The third landing dangerously close to his heart.

He grimmaced in pain then lifted his head to see the staff rushing towards him. It hit him hard in the mouth and made him stumble backwards a few steps.

Ryan took another step forward bringing the staff around again hitting him in the chest, knicking him into the air. He braought the staff around and hit him hard in the face sending him into the ground.

"Damn you boy..." said Nightmare, coughing up blood then snickering wickedly, "I'll just have to finish this later..." then he faded away vanishingly into the darkness once again...

is that better?