A Priest's Adventure

[fire4ever@]

Here's my first fanfic so please dont give negative! If you can, give me ways on how to improve.




"Hey! Stop kill stealing"! I said as the F/P wizard started firing fire arrows at the slime's. Then he said "Shut up noob or I'll hit you"! As I started running away i bumped into something and fainted. When I woke up I was in a house. Thinking i was being kidnapped I ran for the door as fast as i could. Then a level 156 dragon knight stopped in front of me and told me to freeze. I froze in terror thinking of what might happen to me if i didn't, me getting my but kicked by a dragon knight wouldn't be very fun to do...... Then i felt something on my arm. The dragon knight was pouring a white liquid on my arm! I tried to get away but my arm was held tight with a chain. Then all of a sudden my arm felt suddenly better! I asked what he put on my arm and he said "White Potion". He asked what i was becoming a cleric,I/L mage, or a F/P mage. I answered proudly "A cleric"! He said I probaly woudn't make it to priest and i pretty much thought he was right....2 YEARS LATER....


"YES"! I shouted as Grendal The Really Old told me I was a cleric. I quickly ran to Perion to tell my friends until that F/P mage stopped in front of me and started casting a Elemental Composition at me. I quickly ran but it hit me straight in the stomach. I spewed out blood and quickly gathered my mana and casted "HEAL". Then I ran away again (2nd Time) and to Dances With Barlog's Temple. There Dances With Barlog was on lunch break so i sat and healed my wounds. My friend came in and shouted "IM A PAGE"!! I said I was a cleric too and he wasn't too suprised. Soon the F/P mage came in AGAIN and started casting explosion...

:D okay thats all i could think of today but I probaly would write some next week.

[XxKiraYamatoxX]

I give you a negative.

-1

You need to elaborate more.

[WriterInHiding]

Way too many questions brought up. We don't get to know who the main character is, what he wants, is there a problem? For example:

"Hey! Stop kill stealing"! I said as the F/P wizard

So are they called "F/P wizards" in this world instead of Fire or Poison Wizards? You can't assume every reader is going to be Maple Story proficient.

started firing fire arrows at the slime's. Then he said "Shut up noob or I'll hit you"!

Grammar's off here in conversational text. Stories generally don't go well where the conversation is: He said "blah blah blah", then the other guy said "blah blah blah"

As I started running away i bumped into something and fainted.

And why would bumping into something make you faint? Did it hit you in your head? Did it slam into you with the force of a charging rhino? Without flavor it might as well be "I started running away and fainted for no reason"

When I woke up, (comma here watch the grammar) I was in a house. Thinking i was being kidnapped I ran for the door as fast as i could.

Why would you think you were being kidnapped? If I fell unconscious and woke up somewhere, I'd wonder how I got there rather than OMG, I've been kidnapped!

Then a level 156 dragon knight stopped in front of me and told me to freeze.

What made you think he was a level 156 Dragon Knight? Did he wear a sign? You could describe his equipment. Maybe a high level spear or maybe in your story certain high level dragon knights are famous and you recognized him.

I froze in terror thinking of what might happen to me if i didn't, me getting my but kicked by a dragon knight wouldn't be very fun to do......

But what did he say that made you think he was hostile besides telling you to freeze?

Then i felt something on my arm. The dragon knight was pouring a white liquid on my arm!

How did he get that close enough to you to pour something on you without you noticing? (and then screaming, moving away, asking him WTF was he doing, etc)

I tried to get away but my arm was held tight with a chain. Then all of a sudden my arm felt suddenly better!

Your arm was held by a chain? You just tried to run for the door a few sentences ago! How could you do that with a chain on you? Also how did your arm get better? Did your arm tingle? Did the wound knit together? As a matter of fact, how did your arm get hurt in the first place? You never said it was your arm that got injured.

I asked what he put on my arm and he said "White Potion". He asked what i was becoming a cleric,I/L mage, or a F/P mage.

He said this and then I said that and then he said this....conversation needs work.

I answered proudly "A cleric"! He said I probaly woudn't make it to priest and i pretty much thought he was right....

And why did you think he was probably (<---this is the correct spelling of "probably" btw) right?

That's just a detailed review of your first paragraph and it needs a major overhaul. It might help to think out what you want from this story and where you want to take it. After all the writing, we still don't even know the main character's name. If you're serious about improving your writing, look at some of the better ones around here for examples. Slerotin's, Kira's, and Kon's works are probably considered among the most proficient.

[XxKiraYamatoxX]

I didn't have the time to check for mistakes, I need to go to school soon. =X

[fire4ever@]

Sorry! I never made a fanfic. >.>
ima quit makin fanfics so dont bother posting on this one.

Sorry for making a thread!

[Slerotin]

The biggest reason most fanfics fail is not because of the writing itself because writing can always improve. It's the fact that most fanfic writers are not really serious enough to commit the time to finish one. It's not easy to formulate a story, divide them into chapters, and tie them together into some level of coherence. (My current project is stagnating, so I know what I'm talking about....;) )

Honestly, this fanfic does need work, but its still salvageable. Depends if you are willing to put in some work into it. Kira's one of the best writers on this board and his work these days is ten times better than when he first began. He got there by constantly practicing.

You should stop writing fanfics if you are just fishing for praise from the readers or you really weren't serious about completing it in the first place, but it would be a real shame if you did have a great story to tell and you gave up because the first draft didn't come out as well as you like. I hope that you take the time to read some of the critiques (WriterinHiding's points are valid), rewrite the chapter, and show us what your imagination can do.

We could always use a good story and a person who likes to write can always learn to get better.

[DarkRanger]

Eh... okay. I'll rate after more comes out.