Attempted Fanfic

[SinfulSin]

Ok, this is my first "proper" attempt at a fanfic so please don't be too harsh or me. I tried to keep my tenses right and not fall into the "wall of text" category.

Please rate this first chapter. Sorry, no title for the whole story yet. Oh yeah, if i made any major grammatical mistakes or screwed something up badly, let me know so i can change it for the next chapter

Enjoy~

Hunter or Hunted?

The night was dark and cold, a small breeze ruffled the hair of the boy crouched in a tree. Despite the cold he remained motionless, only visible as a silhouette against the stars. As he crouched in the tree, he silently drew his dagger, a small and ugly looking thing, but razor sharp.
“Almost time,” he thought.
The only other sounds were the rustle of leaves and the occasional “hoot hoot” as an owl flew past.

Suddenly the boy could hear the sound of distant footfalls, so different was it from the night sounds of the forest that it stood out clearly. The boy’s small frame tensed expectantly as he waited for his prey to approach. Slowly the footfalls came closer and the boy could make out a slight shadow walking down the path. He readied his dagger and crouched lower, preparing to spring. He could just make out the fuzzy outline of the man approaching as he came within metres of the tree.

As the man passed under the boy’s hiding spot, the boy pounced. In a blur of motion he hit the man feet first in the back of the man’s neck. The man let out a muffled groaned and buckled beneath the boy’s weight. The boy landed crouched on the man’s back and grabbed the man’s hair and yanked upwards. With a practiced motion he leant over and drew his dagger swiftly over the man’s exposed throat. Instantly blood spread over the boy’s hands and dagger and pooled all around the man’s inanimate body.

The boy straightened up and wiped his dagger on a rag from his pocket. Only beginners left a blood mark on the grass to show pursuers exactly where they were heading and the boy wasn’t a beginner. Beginners died on their first mission.

The boy quickly searched the dead man’s pockets and found what he was looking for, a massive green gem suspended on a thick gold chain. He pocketed it and walked away into the forest. He didn’t need to hide the body, people wouldn’t find it for at least 8 hours, by then he would be long gone.

The boy was slowly trudging through the forest, savouring his victory when he heard a “twang!” and a buzz filled the air. Instinctively the boy ducked and rolled to his side.
A second later an arrow buried itself in a tree right where he had been standing seconds before.
“Sh*t, who the hell was that?” he wondered to himself, “How did he see me in the dark,” more importantly, “How the hell did he know where I was.”
The boy lay there silently, contemplating what he should do.
“This guy must be good,” the boy thought to himself, “he must’ve been following me since I killed that guy back there."

He drew his dagger, it made a faint rasping noise as he drew it from its sheath. Instantly there was another “twang!” and another arrow buzzed to where the boy lay. The boy rolled to the side just in time, the arrow flew past. The shot confirmed the boys estimate, this guy was a professional. The boy edged around a tree and scanned the forest around him for any sign of his attacker. A flicker to his left caught his attention, but it disappeared before he could pinpoint its location. The boy suddenly remembered something one of his friends had told him about. There was supposed to be some kind of “god archer” around these parts who hunted down assassins and thieves and killed them all too easily. Night or day, rain or sun he could apparently hit a flying crow from 40 metres. The boy had personally dispelled these rumours but it appeared they were true.

The boy decided that it was time for him to get the hell out of there and crept silently away from the tree, keeping low to the earth to avoid detection.

[XxKiraYamatoxX]

No tense problems, no wall of text.

Only problem, punctuation.

[jiahao_94]

You're online, but not logged in on MSN? >=O

Great fanfic so far, can't wait for more! And punctuation please.

[SinfulSin]

Give me some examples of where a i screwed my punctuation up. I also got really annoyed calling the main character "The boy" but i couldn't find any good place to make an introdction

[XxKiraYamatoxX]

Your dialogue. Some of them lack commas.

[NegiWarrior]

Yeah yeah, I'm two days late on my story, but I'm still here reading this one.
Bleh.

Give me some examples of where a i screwed my punctuation up. I also got really annoyed calling the main character "The boy" but i couldn't find any good place to make an introdction

Stop using 'The Boy' then, and replace that with a bunch of pronouns.
You could do it in first person, and keep using "I" or something too.

Also, for speaking:
Chuck Norris said, "~~~~~~~~~~."
"~~~~~~~~~~," said Chuck Norris.
"~~~~~~~~~~," said Chuck Norris, "~~~~~~~~~."

[Note the commas]

[SinfulSin]

Cheers guys, and thanks Alex for the examples, i knew the commas had to go somewhere but i forgot where and i didn't wanna put them in the wrong place and eff it up.

EDIT, fixed some of the punctuation, hopefully i got most of it right. Also, i hope i can actually get this story done as i didn't really plan it out much and it was spur of the moment thing. i was thinking about something linked to the gold chain. Like, he gives it to his boss, not knowing what it was. Then the boss gets super powerful and starts killing the people in the boy's village. The boy and group of his best mates leave the village and attempt to defeat the boss.

Character structure

The boss and his "inner circle" assassins are really bad guys. The boss decides to train up local villagers young boys and girls to be assassins and do his work for him. After giving the boss the gem, the boy figures out that the boss isn't actually helping him and then tries to overthrow the boss. The other people in his village aren't trained assassins but normal villagers, only the younger boys and girls are assassins. Some of these are already on "the boss's" side.

Well, hopefully that makes sense.