Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: New Story

  1. #1

    Default New Story

    4 cloaked figures walked into a dark and dreary room. 1 was tall

    and had broad shoulders. Another walked fluidly into the room with perfect

    balance. 1 other was lean and tall. And 1 did not walk at all, but hovered

    into the room without a sound. “The time has come, the time passed down

    from the Old Ones has come to past, tonight 4 champions will be born with

    great powers,” said the one who had hovered into the room. “Yes, but who

    are these people Grendel,” said the broad shouldered man with to the one

    who had hovered in. “we do not know, but I recommend we watch all the

    people who receives a job be watched for any ‘beyond – natural abilities’,”

    said Grendel said. “I think we should all agree on that if we do find anyone

    with ‘beyond – natural abilities’ that we report this to each other,” said the

    lean and tall one. “I agree with you Athena,” said the broa shouldered

    man. “but, Dances, what will we do if, say these people fall into the ‘wrong

    hands’,” said the man who walked with great fluidity. Dances, Or Dances with

    Balrog said “we shall have to take them under our wing and have them

    watched with our enforcers, Dark Lord.” Dark Lord replied, “very well.”

    Grendell cleared his throat, “people I do believe that we should adjourn our

    meeting.” The other three said “yes.”


    Ten years later.


    John swung his fruit knife at the orange mushroom and a burst of

    blue light came around him. “Yes level 10 at last!” he cheered. He walked off

    in the direction of a sign that said South Perry. As he neared the town a

    brown haired person ran toward him, “John, guess what I just got to level 8!”

    John turned to the brown haired person, “Awesome Kurt, I just reached level

    10.” Kurt, the brown haired person said, “cool, Kelly and Mark got to level 10

    as well, I think they are at the boat right now waiting for it to take off,”

    John looked down at the watch he wore ever since his father died many

    years ago. “HOLY CRAP, we only got 2 minutes until the boat takes off we

    gotta run.” John and Kurt took off running toward the big ship on the other

    side of town. They reached the ship just in time yelling, “Wait, wait for us!”

    the captain of the ship, Shanks, said do you guys have money for the ride.”

    John said yes and handed a bunch of coins with maple leaves inscribed on

    them to Shanks. As John and Kurt boarded the ship someone called down to

    them from up above, “I thought you two would never get here in time.” John

    and Kurt looked up and saw a tall blond haired girl looking down upon

    them, “aw shut up Kelly, we could have made at any time we wanted to but

    we wanted a dramatic entrance.” Kelly yelled back, “dramatic, my butt.” Kurt

    and John took a seat next to Kelly when they reached the top of the ramp to

    the boat. Kelly turned to a long, dark haired, person next to her, “well it

    looks like you owe me 200 mesos Mark.” “Fine,” said Mark, and he grudgingly

    handed over two bills with a maple leaf and a 100 inscribed on them. Mark

    turned to John and Kurt, “so what are you two going to be,” Kurt said

    proudly, “I am going to be a mage.” John, turned from his gazing out over

    the rail of the ship and said, “I am going to be a warrior, what about you

    two.” Kelly said, “I think I am going to be a thief.” Mark replied, “Archer.”

    They sat and stared over the blue sky as they waited for the ship to land in

    Lith Harbor.

    please rate
    if you want a spot ask
    i don't have the rest of the story planned yet
    but i won't accept any more than 5 more characters
    i already have others planned
    i stink at begininings so the beginning i think is bad but is the best one i could do
    i would like suiggestions for an edit to the beginning oh ya and if anybody has sugestions for names they would be greatly apreciated

  2. #2
    Mushmom jiahao_94's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Bitterleaf Forest, Green Despair
    Posts
    1,374

    Default

    Erm... okay.
    1) I'll register when you do another chapter.
    2) Did you do this in MS Word? Because the "Enter" after every line is making me giddy.
    3) You need to work on description and punctuation.

    And we wonder, ages ago, that I was once corrected with these very comments >.<

    BTW, read the two stickies if you need help.

    Edit: Here's the first part of your prologue/Ch. 1, edited.
    Four cloaked figures walked into the dark and dreary room. The first was tall, her bow slung on her back, the diamond arrows in her quiver shining. The figure behind her walked in fluidly, his graceful figure eminent. The third was lean and tall, his broad shoulders casting a vivid shadow on the walls. The last one hovered into the room without a sound, and took his place.

    “The time has come, passed down from the Old Ones has come to past. Tonight 4 champions will be born with great powers,” said the one who had hovered into the room. “Yes... we already know that, but who are these people... Grendel?” questioned the broad shouldered man. "We do not know yet, but I recommend that we watch all the people who receives a job... to find any... ah... supernatural abilities," Grendel answered.

    "I think we should all agree that if we do find anyone with supernatural powers, we should report it," suggested the
    lean and tall one.

    "I fully agree with this," said the broad-shouldered man, "But Dances, What will we do if these people fall into the wrong hands?" asked the acrobatic man.

    The Warrior Lord answered, "That is a good question..." He contemplated the answer for a while, before saying, with heaviness," We shall have to take them under our wing and have them watched with our enforcers, Dark Lord."

    The Dark Lord replied, "Very well."

    Clearing his throat, Grendel interjected, "People, as it is getting late, I do believe that we should adjourn our meeting." Acquiescing, the other three left by the way they came.
    Uly's Lessons - Words of Wisdom.
    Spoiler!


    Quote-worthy quotes. 'Nuff said.
    Quote Originally Posted by DrawingDays View Post
    Arent you guys excited? I mean, its going to be another day without Maplestory!
    - in response to Global v0.57 patch.

  3. #3

    Clover

    Eh last post, check your fic, i put my msn on it

    Yeah, do it once, and use WORDS not NUMBERS! hey, use the sticky, saves us spam posts and time

    Always looking for guildmates.

    Fave series: Artemis Fowl, Guardians of Ga'Hoole, Harry Potter, Leven Thumps, and er.... Hunting for others. Please recommend series. NOTE SERIES!!!!!

    Goals!!!!
    30[x] 35[x] 40[x] 50[] 60[] 70[] 80+[]
    solo pap[] solo mm[x] solo zmm[] solo king slime[x] 1st mill[] max out buddies guild[x] get nx[]

    Spoiler!

  4. #4
    Mushmom jiahao_94's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Bitterleaf Forest, Green Despair
    Posts
    1,374

    Default

    >.< You must remember that every starter makes mistakes. The only two people that have been excluded from this law are Ivan and Kal.

    Edit: Here's Part 2.
    Ten years later

    John swung his Fruit Knife at the Orange Mushroom and it gave a loud shriek. Wincing at the sound, he jumped when a blue glow erupted around him, signaling his level-up. Cheering, he jumped up and exclaimed, "Yes! Level 10 at last!" After bathing in this success for a few minutes, he turned and walked towards a sign that said "Southperry". As he neared the town, a brown haired figure caught up to him, panting. Happily, he said, "John! Guess what! I just got to level 8!" Sardonically, John countered, "Awesome, Kurt! I just reached level 10!" Kurt replied, "Cool! I think Kelly and Mark just got to level 10 as well... They should be waiting for the boat to depart." Looking down at his watch, the present his deceased father had given to him, he shouted, "HOLY CRAP! We've only got two minutes until the ship leaves... we gotta run!" Taking off, they ran towards the port in the distance, watching as the sails were hoisted and the anchor being raised, getting closer every second. Panting, they collapsed in front of the captain, who raised an eyebrow and waited for them to recover. After some time, he raised out his hands and helped the boys up, introducing himself. "I'm Shank... do you want to get on this ship?" When they nodded fervently, he continued, "Do you have money for this ride?"

    John fished around in his pocket and retrieved a stack of notes and coins with maple leaves inscribed on them. Handing it to Shanks, he grabbed Kurt's wrists and rocketed up the gangplank. He skidded to a halt just before he crashed into the two figures, crashing to the ground again. "I thought you two would never get here in time!" The blond haired girl looked down at them, saying. "Aw, shut up, Kelly. We could have made it at any time, but we wanted a... dramatic entrance." Kelly gave a smirk to the boy standing beside her, and said, "Dramatic, my butt," just loud enough for the four of them to hear. When John and Kurt gave her a face, she said, innocently, "What?" Turning, she headed up the gangplank, ignoring the two prone figures hanging on for dear life as the ship prepared to leave.

    Reaching the deck of the ship, Kurt looked around. Kelly was seated next to a figure with long and dark hair, and speaking to him, somewhat heatedly. "Well, it looks like you owe me 200 mesos, Mark." The boy grudgingly said, "Fine," and handed over two bills with "100" inscribed in the corner. Turning to John and Kurt, he continued, "So, what are you two going to be?" Before Kurt could answer, Mark interrupted, "Yeah, I know you're going to be a magician. What else could you be?" Turning from the rails, John laughed, and said, "I'm gonna be a warrior. What about the both of you?" Contemplating that for a moment, Kelly said, "I think I'm going to be a rouge." Grinning, Mark said, "What an... interesting job choice for a girl. Archer here."

    Lapsing into silence, the four sat and stared over the rails at the blue skies, waiting anxiously for the ship to land in Lith Harbor.
    Uly's Lessons - Words of Wisdom.
    Spoiler!


    Quote-worthy quotes. 'Nuff said.
    Quote Originally Posted by DrawingDays View Post
    Arent you guys excited? I mean, its going to be another day without Maplestory!
    - in response to Global v0.57 patch.

  5. #5

    Default

    Thank You for the help

    yes i did do this on Microsoft Word

    i should have up another chapter within the next week

  6. #6

    Default

    also i would really like someone to submit a title. i stink at titles...

  7. #7

    Default

    Chapter 2

    A sea darkness passed over the land, swallowing the light. Yet, standing tall on a lone mountain, surrounded in an aura of light, was four people. They stood against the incoming sea of darkness. As it neared they made a circle and chanted an unknown language.

    “Ahr-kar-ro-lar”

    “Cha-gnr-gua-han”

    “Ahr-kar-ro-lar”

    “Wuo-na-duo-ney”

    “Ahr-kar-ro-lar”

    “Sor-glu-jiu-NO”

    And then there was a great flash of light.

    John sat up, sweat poring down his brow. He looked around and realized it was night and he was still on the boat. John couldn’t go back to sleep and he ended up staying up for the rest of night.

    As dawn broke across the ship Kelly began to wake up. Kelly yawned and saw john standing at the bow of the ship. “Hey, John, did you sleep this night,” he called. John jumped with a start when he heard Kelly. Kelly sat up and walked over to John. “Is something bothering you?” Kelly asked.

    John turned, “No its nothing, just I was up for most of the night.” Mark and Kurt began to be waking up. “Well looks like those two sleepy heads are up now,” John remarked. Mark got up and walked drowsily toward Kelly and John. “So what were you two lovebirds doing this night,” he said casually.

    “Ha ha… nice joke Mark,” Kelly and John said together.

    “Well seems like you could use one, John was just standing here all dour,” Mark replied. He looked into the distance and noted a patch of green approaching, “well it seems we are almost there.” And just like Mark had said they arrived at Lith Harbor in about 15 minutes. They got off the ship and began wandering through town looking for a man named Olaf, a man that Mai from Maple Island had told them to find. They found him soon enough however, because of his outgoing outfit and loud bass voice.

    “So what do you four children want now,” he asked them.

    “We want to know where we go to get our jobs,” John replied.

    “That would be mighty fine for you to get your jobs now, wouldn’t it, well tell what jobs you guys want to be, and I will tell you where to go,” Olaf replied in a hearty voice.

    John said “I want to be a warrior.”

    “Now that’s a mighty fine choice, if I do say so myself, you’ll be wanting to go to Perion,” Olaf told him

    Kelly moved forward, “I want to be a Rogue.”

    Olaf replied, “So you want to be a little Rogue, eh, then you’ll want to go to Kerning City.”

    Mark then said, “I want to be a Bowman.”

    Olaf then replied in another hearty tone, “ah so you want to be a Bowman now, that’s nice, I know the leader too, she is Athena Pierce, and you’ll be wanting to go to Henesys. Let me think,” Olaf turned to Kurt looking him up and down, “I am guessing you want to be Magician to say by your look.”

    Kurt simply replied, “Yes”

    Olaf then told him, “then you gonna be wanting to go to Ellenia, a truly beautiful place if you ask me. Now I bet you all want to know where those are now,” Oalf turned now speaking to all of them, “here each of you can have one of my maps of Victoria Island.”

    “Thank you,” they all replied. They walked off looking at the maps, John and Kelly noticed that Kerning and Perion were close together so they decided to walk there together. Kurt and Mark noticed that Henesys and Ellenia were close together as well and decided to walk off to there as well.

    They all walked out of town and split ways once they reached the Three-Way road split. John and Kelly had to go through an area filled with pits full of strong monsters high for their level. They came to a long area to jump across. “I think I can make it across.” Kelly said.

    “Ok go ahead and try, “said John. She backed up for a running start and then leaped the distance between the two ledges. “Now you try,” she called back to John. He began running and jumped. He almost reached the other ledge but missed it. “John!” Kelly called down after him and then after a moment’s hesitation she jumped after John. John fell all the way down and hit ground soon after. He was dazed as he got up and saw he was surrounded by pigs wearing armor. Kelly landed with a role by John. They both pulled out their weapons and slashed at the pigs surrounding them.

    ‘Dink’ ‘dink’ their weapons sounded off of the pigs’ armor. The strikes did not seem to do anything other than make the pigs mad. “Well this stinks, now we die because I missed a jump,” John remarked.

    “yes this does stink,” Kelly agreed.

    “Blizzard!” “Arrow Eruption”

    The pigs around John and Kelly suddenly froze and then were broken into pieces by arrows coming out of the ground. Kelly and John looked to see their savior. It was a Sniper with a Dark Crow in his arms and a Dark Patriot on his head. “You guys should be more careful,” said the mysterious Sniper. John mustered up his courage and said, “thank you, we thought we were goners, my names, John, and her name is Kelly,” pointing to Kelly.

    “nice to meet you two, my name is Tanis Half-Elven,” the mysterious sniper replied, “would you guys like help getting to Kerning.” Kelly and John replied “yes.” So they walked off together to Kerning together, whenever they would get into spots of trouble Tanis would get them out of it. They arrived soon at Kerning, “ok looks like you guys are here, see ya later,” Tanis said as he left. Kelly and John then rented a room in a hotel as it was night. Kelly went off later to find Dark Lord, the Thief Job Instructor. She found him upside down in the basement of the Fusion Bar.

    “So you wish to become a Rogue.” Dark Lord asked Kelly

    “Yes” she replied happily

    “Are you sure… once you make this choice it can never be reversed.” Dark Lord warned.

    “Yes, yes… can I become a Rogue now,” Kelly said impatiently.

    “Very well… let me see your hand,” Kelly held out her hand. Dark Lord then took it and proclaimed, “by the power passed down to me the Old Thief master’s I now make you a Rogue!” a great golden flash occurred around Kelly. Dark lord also noted as a slight green flash occurred near Kelly’s feet. “Curious,” he muttered.


    CHAPTER 2 complete.
    still want a name for story and still accepting characters
    also if you want to submit a character like yours, could you give it a regular name like Nataly, or Josh. something like that.
    not something like MaZterThief5. and could you include whether or not you wnat him/her to be a good or bad guy. i only need 2 good guys and 3 bad guys

  8. #8
    Phantom Watch
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    3,677

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jiahao_94 View Post
    >.< You must remember that every starter makes mistakes. The only two people that have been excluded from this law are Ivan and Kal. and alex, but he never writes anything because he's too lazy

    Edit: Here's Part 2.
    Fixed for you! >:]

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •