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Thread: Destiny [Revised Version]

  1. #1

    Default Destiny [Revised Version]

    Story title: Destiny Defied.
    Origin of inspiration:
    Originally it was inspired by a MS video with Futatsu No Kodou to Akai Tsumi by ON/OFF.

    However, it is absolutely non-maplestory based. There are references such as Ragnarok and the like, but otherwise, no.
    Over many songs and countless "reprogramming" of the story in my mind and development, it has grown.
    Albeit the fact I'm lazy.



    INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC USED : [most of these contributed to the creation of Destiny Defied's storyline. it's just the matter of finding the right words.
    Spoiler!





    Special credits to :
    Ben - for listening... but NOT for forgetting after only a few months! >:(
    Ting - for reading and understanding and helping!
    Lunasaku - for listening, reading, understanding and also being a fannnn!!! :DDD
    Kira - for being another listener and helper, reading, aaaah.
    Kon - for being another listener and helper, readi- wait i'm repeating myself wtf.
    and many others, including my readers!
    thank you!



    ************************************************** *******

    ==========================================
    Prologue: Part I - 95 Years Previously
    ==========================================

    Spoiler!

    ==========================================
    Prologue Part : II - Waking up
    ==========================================

    There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. - William Shakespeare
    William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"

    Spoiler!

    ==========================================
    Chapter One - Cathedral
    ==========================================

    Spoiler!

    ==========================================
    Chapter Two - Belief or Death
    ==========================================

    Fire! Enemies! Death! Murderers! - Saphira.
    Eragon, By Christopher Paolini. ( Book )


    Spoiler!

    ==========================================
    Chapter Three - Angel's Plea
    ==========================================

    Send me out... with a bang. - Johnson
    Avery Johnson, Halo 3 ( Video Game )


    Spoiler!
    ==========================================
    Chapter Four - Lucifer's First Warning
    ==========================================

    Van Helsing: There's something down here. And it's carnivorous. Whatever it is it appears to be... human.
    I'd say he's a size 17, about 360 pounds, 8 and a half to 9 feet tall. He has a bad gimp in his right leg, and... 3 copper teeth.
    Anna Valerious: How do you know he has copper teeth?
    Van Helsing: Because he's standing right behind you— move!
    Van Helsing, Van Helsing ( Movie )


    Spoiler!

    ==========================================
    Chapter Five - Fallen's heart
    ==========================================

    The price of freedom is steep. -Zack
    Final Fantasy 7 Crisis Core. ( Video Game )


    Spoiler!

    ==========================================
    Chapter Six - Lucifer's Second Warning
    ==========================================


    Spoiler!


    ==========================================
    Chapter Seven - Diabolos
    ==========================================
    We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell - Oscar Wilde
    Oscar Wilde ( Playwright & Poet )


    Spoiler!

    ==========================================
    Chapter Eight - Healing your victims
    ==========================================

    Spoiler!


    ==========================================
    Chapter Ten - Can you let go?
    ==========================================

    Spoiler!



    Endless cycle of strife
    End of all beginnings
    Eternal hatred for all
    Lovestruck a soul refused to be denied
    Foolish was he


    Unforgivable a crime
    Lies weaved from the truth
    Desolate souls awaiting redemption
    From a night of velvet dreams.



    Please rate this with the range of zero to five.
    Comments appreciated.
    Harsh criticism is okay. [E.G. Its not good. Keep trying. Im sure you can do better.]
    Flamers, GTFO. [E.G. OMFG UR STRY SKS GTFO N KISS MY S!]

    Notes:

    refer to above for inspirational songs.

    Destiny shall be finished ASAP, and I swear that.
    Along with that.
    Spoiler!
    Last edited by RavenBlade; 15th April 2010 at 09:26 PM.
    Holiday goals : Reach level 70 on my Dual Blader l Work on Compression and Destiny Defied l Find what i've always been looking for. l Open a new door and start anew. l Break HIM. l
    Complete - Green.
    Working on it - Purple.
    Hiatus - Red.


    Hatred of you is what drives me, and i'll take solace in breaking your mind. I swear i will to whatever gods there may be, even if it's the last thing i do.

    A Crusader's Guide.
    Story : Destiny Defied.
    Idea Compilation : Compression.

  2. #2
    Mushmom jiahao_94's Avatar
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    Bitterleaf Forest, Green Despair
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    OMFG UR STRY SKS GTFO N KISS MY S-

    Actually it's fantastic. Perfect grammar, show of vocab flair here and there. I'd give it a five. :D
    Uly's Lessons - Words of Wisdom.
    Spoiler!


    Quote-worthy quotes. 'Nuff said.
    Quote Originally Posted by DrawingDays View Post
    Arent you guys excited? I mean, its going to be another day without Maplestory!
    - in response to Global v0.57 patch.

  3. #3

    Default

    Five.



    ...
    Out of..?

    EDIT:
    Wonderful.
    However, IMO, i realised there still are major problems.
    I understand a wolf headed mantis might be a little hard to imagine...
    Hmm.
    Meooowr~.
    Holiday goals : Reach level 70 on my Dual Blader l Work on Compression and Destiny Defied l Find what i've always been looking for. l Open a new door and start anew. l Break HIM. l
    Complete - Green.
    Working on it - Purple.
    Hiatus - Red.


    Hatred of you is what drives me, and i'll take solace in breaking your mind. I swear i will to whatever gods there may be, even if it's the last thing i do.

    A Crusader's Guide.
    Story : Destiny Defied.
    Idea Compilation : Compression.

  4. #4

    Default

    Updated.


    Endless cycle of strife
    End of all beginnings
    Eternal hatred for all
    Lovestruck a soul refused to be denied
    Foolish was he
    Holiday goals : Reach level 70 on my Dual Blader l Work on Compression and Destiny Defied l Find what i've always been looking for. l Open a new door and start anew. l Break HIM. l
    Complete - Green.
    Working on it - Purple.
    Hiatus - Red.


    Hatred of you is what drives me, and i'll take solace in breaking your mind. I swear i will to whatever gods there may be, even if it's the last thing i do.

    A Crusader's Guide.
    Story : Destiny Defied.
    Idea Compilation : Compression.

  5. #5

    Default

    Taking notes, sowwie.
    This world is scarred.
    People are dying and this will not end.
    We have been innovating for the sole purpose of comfort.
    Eventually, only one will survive. Earth. Or us.
    Earth has survived the meteor strikes, etc.
    Doom is inevitable.
    We're stalling for time.
    'Make the best of it.'
    Pfft. Bull****.
    Isnt to live even beter.
    It all comes down to the same thing anyway.

    Everyone dies.
    Holiday goals : Reach level 70 on my Dual Blader l Work on Compression and Destiny Defied l Find what i've always been looking for. l Open a new door and start anew. l Break HIM. l
    Complete - Green.
    Working on it - Purple.
    Hiatus - Red.


    Hatred of you is what drives me, and i'll take solace in breaking your mind. I swear i will to whatever gods there may be, even if it's the last thing i do.

    A Crusader's Guide.
    Story : Destiny Defied.
    Idea Compilation : Compression.

  6. #6
    Complication. Kon's Avatar
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    Raven, I've taken the time to read through your story.

    First of all, I'd love to see this all written in CHAPTERS or SEGMENTS with titles - if you keep it like this, it'll be hard for people to take off at where they stopped reading.

    I've noted some stuff here I think was no typo...

    First of all, "I" is always capitalized. There is no "i", there is only "I".

    "Fear Luna had never felt before ran through Luna."
    Repeating words makes a story feel dull. Try replacing one of the "Luna" with "she". Works as good and makes it look better. =)

    "It made a gurgling noise in it's throat as Luna joined her parents behind Raven."
    It's = It is, the [ ] belong to it = its.

    "It let out a unearthly shriek as Raven's arm ignited in red flames."
    Here's an example for where the passive makes it more exciting. The focus in this sentence lies on the red flames igniting, not Raven's arm doing something. Use the passive a bit more, especially when the action is more important.



    Overall, I'm rating this story a 3.5 / 5 - but the idea goes for 5/5! Your main problems are that you don't put "hooks" in that make the reader want to go on. For very long time, you don't even know what this all is about. What will happen. What to expect. From the beginning to now where I comment there has been no description about Luna - this is one of the things that have to come first! The only thing we know so far is that she has blonde hair, and only because Raven mentions it.

    In the end, all of it started to build up more suspense and get a lot more exciting, I hope you keep it up like this. Once it was [pretty late, as the second real hook! A main plot!] revealed that there will be a war, it was probably already too late for most readers, thinking they saw a random story without a real plot. Try to imply a plot in the beginning, even if it's just a sideplot! There's some attempts to build up suspense, like the flashes in the cathedral, but in order to build up suspense, you're not allowed to say right away what's going to happen...

    Overall, I'd say you're pretty unlucky with all the Twilight fanatics roaming around now and that you included a vampire-ish character. People will be annoyed to read another Twilight-ish story. But I can somewhat sense it'll go straight another direction, so I'm waiting for more to come!

  7. #7

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Kon View Post
    Raven, I've taken the time to read through your story.

    First of all, I'd love to see this all written in CHAPTERS or SEGMENTS with titles - if you keep it like this, it'll be hard for people to take off at where they stopped reading.

    I was considering that, but it really is a bit troublesome. I'm not sure where to cut it off. Besides, they're REALLY short chapters if i cut em, possibly some short some long.

    I've noted some stuff here I think was no typo...

    First of all, "I" is always capitalized. There is no "i", there is only "I".

    I'll keep a lookout and rework whatever you said. Thanks. Fixed.

    "Fear Luna had never felt before ran through Luna."
    Repeating words makes a story feel dull. Try replacing one of the "Luna" with "she". Works as good and makes it look better. =)
    Crap, i didn't realise i had repeated it. Sorry.
    Fixed.

    "It made a gurgling noise in it's throat as Luna joined her parents behind Raven."
    It's = It is, the [ ] belong to it = its.
    Ah, thanks. Will correct ASAP.
    Fixed.


    "It let out a unearthly shriek as Raven's arm ignited in red flames."
    Here's an example for where the passive makes it more exciting. The focus in this sentence lies on the red flames igniting, not Raven's arm doing something. Use the passive a bit more, especially when the action is more important.


    ... Got a example, thx?
    Er.. Fixed..?


    Overall, I'm rating this story a 3.5 / 5 - but the idea goes for 5/5! Your main problems are that you don't put "hooks" in that make the reader want to go on. For very long time, you don't even know what this all is about. What will happen. What to expect. From the beginning to now where I comment there has been no description about Luna - this is one of the things that have to come first! The only thing we know so far is that she has blonde hair, and only because Raven mentions it.

    Damnit. I knew i forgot something. Thanks.

    In the end, all of it started to build up more suspense and get a lot more exciting, I hope you keep it up like this. Once it was [pretty late, as the second real hook! A main plot!] revealed that there will be a war, it was probably already too late for most readers, thinking they saw a random story without a real plot. Try to imply a plot in the beginning, even if it's just a sideplot! There's some attempts to build up suspense, like the flashes in the cathedral, but in order to build up suspense, you're not allowed to say right away what's going to happen...

    Uh. Rephrase plx?

    Overall, I'd say you're pretty unlucky with all the Twilight fanatics roaming around now and that you included a vampire-ish character. People will be annoyed to read another Twilight-ish story. But I can somewhat sense it'll go straight another direction, so I'm waiting for more to come!

    Agreed, honestly, i have never even READ the Twilight series. Some says it sucks, some says it's beautifully done. I'll take time to find one, though.
    And actually, i've told Jiahao how the entire plot will go. I had to have someone comment on it before someone like you came along.
    Thanks for the advice Kon. I'll have a look at yours when i have some time.
    Holiday goals : Reach level 70 on my Dual Blader l Work on Compression and Destiny Defied l Find what i've always been looking for. l Open a new door and start anew. l Break HIM. l
    Complete - Green.
    Working on it - Purple.
    Hiatus - Red.


    Hatred of you is what drives me, and i'll take solace in breaking your mind. I swear i will to whatever gods there may be, even if it's the last thing i do.

    A Crusader's Guide.
    Story : Destiny Defied.
    Idea Compilation : Compression.

  8. #8

    Default

    RERevised.
    REAAAAAD JHOO RHEADERS RHEEEEEEEED.


    REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS.
    REEEDS.
    Reeds.
    Weed.
    Wut?





    Spoiler!
    Holiday goals : Reach level 70 on my Dual Blader l Work on Compression and Destiny Defied l Find what i've always been looking for. l Open a new door and start anew. l Break HIM. l
    Complete - Green.
    Working on it - Purple.
    Hiatus - Red.


    Hatred of you is what drives me, and i'll take solace in breaking your mind. I swear i will to whatever gods there may be, even if it's the last thing i do.

    A Crusader's Guide.
    Story : Destiny Defied.
    Idea Compilation : Compression.

  9. #9
    Complication. Kon's Avatar
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    Location
    At hell, near beelzeboss
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    Default

    Rephrased "above":

    Build up unanswered questions, stuff that the reader will want to know, so he goes on reading!

  10. #10

    Default

    I may have a idea.
    How 'bout i give ya a PM about it?
    PM da reply lawl.
    Imma go sleep.
    Nite.
    Holiday goals : Reach level 70 on my Dual Blader l Work on Compression and Destiny Defied l Find what i've always been looking for. l Open a new door and start anew. l Break HIM. l
    Complete - Green.
    Working on it - Purple.
    Hiatus - Red.


    Hatred of you is what drives me, and i'll take solace in breaking your mind. I swear i will to whatever gods there may be, even if it's the last thing i do.

    A Crusader's Guide.
    Story : Destiny Defied.
    Idea Compilation : Compression.

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