Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Halps w/ English

  1. #1
    IAちゃんまじかわイア blankaex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    21° 47' 48" S
    Posts
    1,065

    Default Halps w/ English

    So I had a really weird dream this morning, and decided it would make great writing material. I ended up writing a ~1000 word narrative loosely based on the dream, and would like some feedback on it. I also have an international writing competition that my English teacher forced me to enter, and I'm thinking I might just go with this story after touching it up some. I know HS has a bunch of skilled English... knowing... people... Yeah... So hopefully, you guys could help me improve my story or just read it for fun.

    Please bear in mind:
    • I speak Australian English. Don't correct what's not wrong.
    • I'm not too sure about how to use speech marks and ellipses like I did in the story, so help with that would be nice.
    • Apparently I earn more points through using "sophisticated vocabulary", so any "better words" would be welcomed.
    • If the content seems similar to any real-life situation related to me, it is pure coincidence.


    And without further ado, here's a link to my story.

    https://skydrive.live.com/redir?resi...CllHCv596umHcg



  2. #2
    Green Bean rasudoken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Avatar
    Posts
    5,742

    Default

    I'll try to not get picky with your writing style.




    "After our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship had ended, we had quickly grown further and further apart, when laughing and conversing every day had turned into not even a greeting in the mornings or in the hallways. If she could hear me out, just one last time, I would be happy. "

    First bold: Boyfriend/girlfriend relationship sounds weird and doesn't quite match the writing up to now. I would just remove this. Or you could replace it with intimate or affectionate. I would just remove it though.
    Second bold: Same reason as above. I can't identify what is exactly wrong, but putting "turned into not even" after the "laughing and conversing" sounds weird/incorrect. I would write it as, " We had quickly grown further and further apart. We used to laugh and converse everyday, but now we don't even greet each other in the hallways of school."


    "My ex-girlfriend had the facial expression of the main character of a horror movie."
    I hope I'm not being picky this time around, but I don't think this line works out very well. The facial expression in question isn't very specific, so readers may have a little trouble seeing what face she's making.


    "The ending to his talk had ran through my mind."
    I want to say that the preposition is wrong (to), but even "The ending of his talk" sounds weird. Maybe she can say, "His last words echoed/ran (choose one) through my mind"


    Picky comment. Negligible.
    Spoiler!





    There isn't much to say about the story itself (since it's a very short story) but I enjoyed the read. I honestly haven't read in a long time and this was very refreshing.
    by Cryopon

  3. #3
    IAちゃんまじかわイア blankaex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    21° 47' 48" S
    Posts
    1,065

    Default

    Thanks a bunch for the corrections, and I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. I'll take your reply into consideration and make a few corrections.

    Edit:
    Edits: (hehe)
    After our intimate relationship had ended, we had steadily grown further and further apart. We used to laugh and converse every day, but now we didn’t even acknowledge the other’s presence in the hallways at school.
    My ex-girlfriend had a facial expression fitting of a horror movie’s main character, right before the climax.
    His final words echoed through my mind.
    I was expecting that. He wanted to know why I ended our relationship. I was expecting it, but I wasn’t prepared in the slightest.
    Also updated the original post with the corrected version.

    Another thing; any name suggestions for my ex-girlfriend, her friend and possibly me are welcome.
    Last edited by blankaex; 13th October 2012 at 08:08 AM.



  4. #4
    We're in a heap o'trouble Tesiqurasa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Lincoln, NE
    Posts
    6,251

    Default

    Try to avoid state-of-being verbs and unnecessary prepositions; they can make your writing seem a bit too simply existential.

    This is usually taught with the generic "show, don't tell" phrase, but it's so much more than that. When you use state-of-being verbs (verbs like "is") too often, they lose their rhetorical power. When writing creatively, save them for direct statements; they'll be much more profound.

    I'll use your first and second sentences as examples

    "I floated around the air, taking in my surroundings"
    The first part is descriptive without being too flowery (a positive), but the second leaves something to be desired. Briefly describe yourself "taking in" the surroundings, because this phrase is an otherwise vague description.

    "This time I was at the train station four stops from my house..."
    If you rewrite the first sentence correctly, this boring sentence will fix itself. In the two lines it takes to tell us you are taking in your surroundings and were at the station, you could've given concrete descriptions instead. Lead the audience to understand the general concepts laid out by your vague statements, don't always directly state what's going on.

    I don't have much experience with writing courses outside of North America, so forgive me if this isn't completely accurate...
    The grammar seems to be, at the very least, acceptable for a late high school or early university student. Compared to most American students I've encountered, this is outstanding.
    Your vocabulary is also sufficient, although sometimes the word selection seems a bit forced. If a "simple" word fits better into the situation, then use that word.


    Spoiler!



  5. #5
    IAちゃんまじかわイア blankaex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    21° 47' 48" S
    Posts
    1,065

    Default

    Thanks Tesi. Great to hear from you. I never really paid much thought to those state-of-being verbs; most of the time it all flows out naturally. And I have noticed that I do just directly state whatever's happening, with little to no lead-up or non-direct writing. I'll bear your advice in mind when I continue writing - thanks for your help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tesiqurasa View Post
    Compared to most American students I've encountered, this is outstanding.
    This made me laugh.



Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •